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“‘Jeez, what’s that smell?!’, says the guy who smells like rancid meat”

Bathrooms are made for you to take care of your business, but most fucktards don’t understand that apparently.  No one wants to hear what the hell you’re watching on your phone or hear you making a call. Piss and shit in peace, then get the fuck out.  Besides, why is the bathroom your safe haven from having to do work anyways? I guess it’s also ok to play scratch offs and smoke your cigarette in the bathroom as well.  You piece of fucking utter garbage, you’re not special and you’re liable to start a freaking fire, not that at this point I wouldn’t stop from doing. I also hate it when people talk in the bathroom.  Short sentences or the occasional hi aren’t bad, it’s when people have full blown conversations while others are trying to go to the bathroom in piece.  Once again, I’m here to do my business, not discuss my personal life while I’m taking a piss. And speaking of talking and conversations, don’t you ever fucking dare comment on people trying to...
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“Yes, ask the man from Kenya when he thought ‘he had it in the bag’”

The local news, christ help us all.  Every time the local news comes on, expect some kind of fuck up.  Wrong camera angles, no audio, no video, someone pronouncing something wrong.  One station had the weather in the corner for three months with thunderstorms everyday and a high of around 50.  Mind you, this was in January in the Midwest. HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE THAT SHIT?!! You’d think that with this being around so long that maybe there would be a sort of trial run or this shit would be tested before going on the air.  But nope, we get shit. And besides the technical fuck ups, half of the crap that shows up isn’t even really news.  “See how there might be a connection locally with the gunman.” Yes, please scrape the bottom of the barrel to try and show how we matter to the rest of the nation.  “Oh, he drove through here 5 years ago, that’s gotta be something.” Fuck you, stop wasting our time. If you can’t find anything to fill half an hour, ...
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“Better take up the whole aisle while I stare at a can of soup for five minutes”

Ugh, grocery shopping.  I usually try and spend as little time at a store as possible, thankfully with a list of what I actually need already in my hand or head.  It’s just the process of getting those items is what pains me and I’m sure many others. First of all, actually getting to the store is usually a pain in the ass (see week one regarding driving), and that extends to getting to a parking spot.  How fucking hard is it to just drive up and down the rows?  Really hard apparently, because you’ll always run into the nutcase who drives across every row because they are the only human that exists and they’ll get a thousand points if they nail you.  You’ve also got to deal with the parking job that people do trying to fit into their spaces.  “Ddduuurrrr as long as I have 10 feet of space on the driver’s side of the car, I should be good.” Nevermind the fact that there is now little to no space on the passenger’s side, making the spot next to only fit ...
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“If I stare at it long enough, maybe something will happen”

Man, do I enjoy buffets.  You can pick how much food you want to it, and the choices are sky’s the limit.  I also find them to be where you’ll get the most bang for your buck.  If you go to a buffet during lunch, you can eat enough food to last you for the rest of the day, for usually around $10.  But even though I love buffets, the people there are atrocious to say the least. When you go to restaurant, I’d assume that you go with knowing what you want, for the most part.  Like at McDonald’s, you don’t go there thinking about getting steak;  you’re there for the burgers and fries.  Now of course buffets offer a wide variety of food, but each place still serves a basic food type, like pizza.  So the fuck is it so hard for people to choose what they want to eat?  You see pizza, you’d assume that’s what you want.  But know, these people have to fucking stare at it for several minutes, wasting everyone else’s goddamn time because they wo...
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“Hey” “gajklgh#gkdjgk#gjagklj”

God damn, internet dating sites.  I’m on a few like OKCupid, POF, and even bought 6 months worth of Match.  I’ve only had luck with one person, but good god what a dumpster fire of horseshit. Let’s start from the top.  If you ever Google something along the lines of how to make a better profile on whatever site, you’ll get explanations of how to stand out.  Make a catchy description for yourself, be funny, post pics of you not smiling or doing something that you enjoy.  Don’t stare directly into the camera if you’re a guy for better results.  When messaging, make sure to include more than just hey; include something you read from their person’s profile.  Sounds reasonable, right.  Haha, fuck no.  That gets you absolutely NOWHERE.  The first thing I ever get messaged with is “Hey”.  Hey?!  I fucking have to write a paragraph to even try to get into the door, and you think you can use three fucking letters??  No, no...
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“Floor it?” “No, don’t floor it!” “OK, floor it.”

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Hello everyone!  Welcome to first installment of “Is This Your First Day?!”, where I talk and rant about stuff that bothers and irritates the fuck out of me, and I’m guessing it does the same for you.  This week we’ll explore the greatness of driving on the same pavement and breathing the same air as the dumbasses behind the wheels of their murder machines. Driving is not all that difficult, as long as you’re paying attention to others and make sure to stay in your lane.  Yet, people make this a lot harder than it has to be.  When you make a turn, how fucking difficult is it to use a turn signal?  The damn thing is right next to your steering wheel.  A quick finger flip up or down and BAM, people know what you’re going to do.  But oh no, instead you just decide to turn whenever you feel like it.  Always a pleasure when you’re waiting to turn yourself, see a car coming with no turn signal, but then they decide to turn before they get to you....
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