“Floor it?” “No, don’t floor it!” “OK, floor it.”
Hello everyone! Welcome to first installment of “Is This Your First Day?!”, where I talk and rant about stuff that bothers and irritates the fuck out of me, and I’m guessing it does the same for you. This week we’ll explore the greatness of driving on the same pavement and breathing the same air as the dumbasses behind the wheels of their murder machines.
Driving is not all that difficult, as long as you’re paying attention to others and make sure to stay in your lane. Yet, people make this a lot harder than it has to be. When you make a turn, how fucking difficult is it to use a turn signal? The damn thing is right next to your steering wheel. A quick finger flip up or down and BAM, people know what you’re going to do. But oh no, instead you just decide to turn whenever you feel like it. Always a pleasure when you’re waiting to turn yourself, see a car coming with no turn signal, but then they decide to turn before they get to you. Thanks, fucker, for wasting my time. I mean, I guess I could determine that they might turn based on them slowing down, but that’s not foolproof either. People will randomly speed up and slow down for no reason, other than I’m assuming their foot got tired or some leaf blowing in the wind is so amazing, they lose all motor functions trying to admire it.
Speaking of slowing or speeding randomly, I really love jackasses who go the same speed no matter where they’re at. 40 in the middle of town, while the speed limit is 25, then still going 40 on a 50 mph road. I guess we’re using cruise control now, because having your foot on a pedal for more than 5 mins is way too much effort. Just like it’s way too much effort with getting to work at a reasonable time, apparently. Yes, please be on my ass because you don’t know how to read the speed limit sign, to which I’m probably already 5 mph above anyways, and you couldn’t bother to get up earlier and get going. It’s always someone’s problem because you couldn’t take responsibility. And yeah, I’m sure there might be in a blue moon a reason for possibly being late, but that’s not everyone else’s problem. And of course, people being on your ass doesn’t usually mean it’s because they’re late. It’s probably because they believe that speed limits don’t matter. I guess once their car starts going, they’ll never stop speeding up. Boy, what I wouldn’t give to just slam on the brakes and destroy the front of your car and have you wipe out. Instead, I’ll suffice with flipping them off as they speed past, because having to slow down for even just a second is way too much for their pea sized brains to compute.
During lunches, I like to walk around downtown. Now usually when I’m walking, I’ll obey the walk and wait signs. But thank other’s can’t quite figure it out, especially when driving. Green light means I can always turn, right. No, fucker, I’ve got the right of way. See the guy walking on the sign? I’ve probably waited just as long to get walking, as you have waiting at your light, but I forgot it’s a me me ME world where no one else matters because YOU exist. Jackass. And of course these people do this to other drivers. Both sides have a green light, but that does not mean you can turn left when I’m going right on the other side, hence the sign that says YIELD ON GREEN. “DUR, YIELD MEANS THE GO, RIGHT?” No, you fucking degenerate. You had your chance, now you fucking wait.
Also, what the hell is the point with peeling out from a stop? Especially when you’re driving downtown and have to constantly stop and go, instead of realizing that if you had just followed the speed limit, you never would have had to stop at every fucking light. If they think they look cool, then maybe they should drive a car that has all the right colored doors on it and doesn’t sound like your engine is about ready to explode.
Not only our cars and trucks a probably, we’ve also got some jerks on motorcycles and bikes who tend to be asking for problems. We’re all supposed to be vigilant and be aware of them, but god damn, follow the same fucking rules. I once had a group of motorcycles, side by side, all go through the stop sign at the same time. Oh fuck no. You line up like the rest of us and each wait your god damn turn. You could say “well, they’re together” but if a group of cars are together, they don’t all get to go through a stop together, unless they’re part of a funeral. And people with bikes, if you’re in Illinois, you fucking follow traffic on the road, not come riding towards everyone, going side to side because you know damn well that people wouldn’t have the guts to plow you down. You want us to recognize you, yet you pull this shit. Fuck you, you piece of shit.
One of the biggest holy hell moments for me, is dealing with people at a stop sign. Whether it’s a physical stop sign, or lights flashing red due to a power outage, for some reason no one can compute when it’s their time to go through, or give people the right away. Here’s a scenario: Both you and a guy are coming up to a stop, both coming from the other way. The person across from you in the turn lane stops first, then you stop a second later. Then they just sit there, and sit there, and sit there, even when you try to wave them through, even they fucking stopped first. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT AWAY. GGGGOOOOOOOO!!!!! Then they slowly but surely start going, but only after sitting the stop for way longer than it had to be. Of course, the opposite is true as well. People pull the “California stop” because they’re that much more important you apparently. I’m sorry, I stopped first. You can fucking wait. And when we’re dealing with the flashing red light, all bets are off the table. No one can figure out when to go, so you’ve got groups of people going through while one poor sap sits there, because they don’t have the balls to finally move, but then at the same time, you don’t want to be t-boned by a fucktard in a piece of shit Cadillac because they don’t understand anything. FLASHIN LITES?! I GET DA GO AHED NOW. No shits to give, but here’s hoping that one day your car bursts into a ball of fire.
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