“Hey” “gajklgh#gkdjgk#gjagklj”

God damn, internet dating sites.  I’m on a few like OKCupid, POF, and even bought 6 months worth of Match.  I’ve only had luck with one person, but good god what a dumpster fire of horseshit.

Let’s start from the top.  If you ever Google something along the lines of how to make a better profile on whatever site, you’ll get explanations of how to stand out.  Make a catchy description for yourself, be funny, post pics of you not smiling or doing something that you enjoy.  Don’t stare directly into the camera if you’re a guy for better results.  When messaging, make sure to include more than just hey; include something you read from their person’s profile.  Sounds reasonable, right.  Haha, fuck no.  That gets you absolutely NOWHERE.  The first thing I ever get messaged with is “Hey”.  Hey?!  I fucking have to write a paragraph to even try to get into the door, and you think you can use three fucking letters??  No, no, this isn’t some double standards shit.  You tell me why I’m interesting to you.  Of course, when you do actually message someone and try to have a conversation, you’d expect the person to try to keep the conversation going.  Instead you’ll get a “That’s good”  “Same here”.  Look, I’m not gonna keep pulling teeth to fucking talk to you.  I can find more interesting things to do, like watch paint dry or pick at my toes, because you’re simply not worth it.  I can only bullshit my way through a conversation for so long, folks.  Maybe it would be better if we’d talk in person instead of online, but I’m gonna guess that they’ll be stuck on their phones not fucking listening anyways, so let’s save some time and ditch this before I waste my god damn time.

As for the content that some people include in their biography of sorts, there’s always people that put little to no effort.  Description:  “I’ll fill this out later.”  Riveting!  Tell me more!  “I don’t like to describe myself.”  Then why are you even here?  Isn’t this the point of online dating, to give us a little information so I can message you and try to start a conversation?  Nevermind, a hey will suffice.  “Just ask”  Hmm, do you breathe?  Why is the sky blue?  Can you tell me how many god damn licks it takes to get to the center of Tootsie Pop?  The mystery of it all.  First Date:  “You decide.”  Gee, thanks for putting this on my shoulders.  I’ll just go ahead and fucking take you to McDonald’s then since you don’t care and it’ll save me some money.  Then there are people that have way too many hobbies and play every sport under the sun.  Favorite things to do:  “I like to travel around, go on new adventures, go hiking, camping, kayaking, sky diving, etc”  Where the hell are you getting money for this?  I know you’re supposed to live life to the fullest, but jesus it’s a tad excessive.  What happened to just enjoying a night in?  After work, I’m done for the day.  I don’t want to go out and talk with people, HENCE WHY I’M DATING ONLINE.  I’m not against doing things, but I just want to do them occasionally, not every time I have some down time.

And don’t get me started with the weird pictures that people post (I will anyways, because that’s what this blog is about).  Do you think it looks attractive when you’re making a duckface, or always taking a picture of yourself in front of mirror?  Not when you’ve got 15 pictures of the same thing.  Oh, you’re so sassy and cool!  Great pic of you looking like you’re stinking drunk.  I find that REALLY attractive.  Just look nice.  If you’ve got a nice smile, then show it.  And for the love of god, stop having every picture with two of the same people in it.  I saw someone once who was had the same woman with her in every picture.  I still don’t know which one was supposed to be her, because she didn’t label them.  They were both pretty attractive, but if I had to meet up with her, I wouldn’t know who I was looking for.  Way too much of headache.

Before I leave and continue on with my online dating misery, I’d like to leave you all with one more complaint.  To the people who post in their description “I’m tired of the games” and “I just want my knight in shining armor”, HA HA NOPE.  Give me a fucking break.  We’ve all had to deal with shit at some point, there’s no reason for you to have to state that you don’t want it.  Most likely, you actually live for it.  That way, you can continue on with the woah is me mentality and we’re all supposed to feel bad for you.  I’ll offer you my sympathy, with three letters….

“Hey”