“Yes, ask the man from Kenya when he thought ‘he had it in the bag’”

The local news, christ help us all.  Every time the local news comes on, expect some kind of fuck up.  Wrong camera angles, no audio, no video, someone pronouncing something wrong.  One station had the weather in the corner for three months with thunderstorms everyday and a high of around 50.  Mind you, this was in January in the Midwest. HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE THAT SHIT?!! You’d think that with this being around so long that maybe there would be a sort of trial run or this shit would be tested before going on the air.  But nope, we get shit.

And besides the technical fuck ups, half of the crap that shows up isn’t even really news.  “See how there might be a connection locally with the gunman.” Yes, please scrape the bottom of the barrel to try and show how we matter to the rest of the nation.  “Oh, he drove through here 5 years ago, that’s gotta be something.” Fuck you, stop wasting our time. If you can’t find anything to fill half an hour, then fucking stop broadcasting and save us from having to listen or watch you anymore.  All the people they interview look like they’ve crawled out of the woodwork from Davy Jone’s locker. No, I don’t want to hear about what a redneck thinks. He’s too fucking stupid and ignorant to give a valued opinion anyways. And what the hell is the deal with the fucking poking and tickling that goes on?  Nothing you fuckers say or do is even remotely funny to warrant a complete stop because you’re laughing so much. Are your funny standards so low that you just can’t breathe from laughing at terrible shit?

Also, where the hell do we get some these reporters?  Some them look like a deer in headlights and can’t complete a fucking sentence to save their lives.  If it’s nervousness, then why the everliving fuck would you want to become a reporter?

Local sports is a fucking joke as well.  One station has a guy that basically yells for his entire segment, causing a shit ton of crackling because he’s way too close to his mike.  It’s ok though, because most people don’t fucking watch the news on that channel anyways, and at least he’s the least nitwit of the group (Man with a square head, 16 year old meteorologist, an anchor that you just want to punch in the face because he looks and sounds like douche, etc.).  Another station does sports for everyone else’s town before actually doing the local sports.  Why the fuck do we want to know about a sports team from 100 miles away before the local high school team?  God damn, think McFly, think!

My biggest gripe with the local news, is with the meteorologists.  Fuck those people. You have no fucking idea what the fuck you’re doing half the time.  Throw some numbers and percentages around and BAM, paycheck. Most of the information isn’t even close.  “But weather is fickle thing and changes all the time.” Fuck you. Don’t spout shit to get people’s hopes up, then when you fail, make up some bullshit as to why it was wrong.  Or better yet, I love it when they change the high during the day itself. No no no, you stick by your mistake. Don’t try to discreetly change the numbers to fit your perfect image.

And besides being utter shit at forecasting the weather, I found most forecasters to be some of the strangest morphs on television.  One station has a prick, a fat older woman who gulps loudly when talking, which I assume is to swallow the cheetos they’ve been eating off screen, and a guy who’s teeth are about ready to fly out of his mouth.  Another station has a guy that stops the forecast just drive something not funny into the ground because apparently someone snickered at his failure to hold a clicker. JUST GIVE ME YOUR TERRIBLE FORECAST ALREADY!