“Better take up the whole aisle while I stare at a can of soup for five minutes”

Ugh, grocery shopping.  I usually try and spend as little time at a store as possible, thankfully with a list of what I actually need already in my hand or head.  It’s just the process of getting those items is what pains me and I’m sure many others.

First of all, actually getting to the store is usually a pain in the ass (see week one regarding driving), and that extends to getting to a parking spot.  How fucking hard is it to just drive up and down the rows?  Really hard apparently, because you’ll always run into the nutcase who drives across every row because they are the only human that exists and they’ll get a thousand points if they nail you.  You’ve also got to deal with the parking job that people do trying to fit into their spaces.  “Ddduuurrrr as long as I have 10 feet of space on the driver’s side of the car, I should be good.” Nevermind the fact that there is now little to no space on the passenger’s side, making the spot next to only fit for a motorcycle, or the cart that you will inevitably leave because pushing it to the cart return requires some fucking effort.  So, to avoid the jackasses who do this, I will try and park away from most people.  Except, you’re still not safe, because you’ll most likely have some dumbfucker in his oversized truck, back up into the spots next to you, making backing out a pain in the dick.  Eat a bag of dicks you truck drivers.

After the parking lot fiasco, now it’s time to go inside.  Oh, what a surprise, illiterate fuckers are exiting out of the entrance side and vice versa.  Then have them stare at you like something is wrong with you for actually following directions.  Better get a cart, though you’ll most likely get the cart with either A. a squeaky wheel or B. a none moving wheel, which makes pushing now an incredible chore, and will most likely move in whatever direction it feels like.  Christ, just fix the fucking cart wheels.  I squirt of grease or oil can go a long way.

Alright, you’re passed the parking lot and have a cart.  Now it’s time to go down an aisle… oh god damn it!  It’s got like 10 people standing around on both sides, staring at the products.  Ok, I guess I can go through, nice and slow, weaving in and out… NOPE!  The fucker who’s been staring at the can of soup for five minutes has now decided to block the aisle, right in front of you, with the cart on one side, and him on the other side.  Eeerrrrrrrrghggghghghgghasgjk;gnak;lgjk;slgk I JUST WANT A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER!!!  Finally, you get what you want, and get the fuck out of the aisle.  Except you’ll realize that they stupid fuckers that you were trying to avoid are now basically following you, and will proceed to annoy the shit out of you if they get close enough again.  Now you’re on a time limit to get what you want out of the aisle or risk getting caught up in it again.  And sometimes, these people aren’t annoying in a normal.  Sometimes they have a god awful smell resonating from them.  Like dear god, did you take a bath in a skunk’s ass last year and go “Yep, I should be good for the rest of my life”? Get your gross ass away from me and learn how to present yourself in public for fucking once.

Now you’ve got what you need out of this hell hole of twists and turns, better pick a checkout lane.  Oh great, all the checkouts are full.  So now you choose the one you think will be the fastest.  Except, you will always lose.  The lane you will end up at will either have a person get a hundred pieces of food, or they can’t get their card to work because this is the first time they’ve ever been outside in the real world, or god forbid a combination of both.  Sometimes, you’ll also run into the weird cashier, like if you go later at night to Wal Mart, and try to buy a bag of chips, but the guy is mumbling and laughing to himself instead of telling you your total.  Or you could use the self check out.  Scan an item, put it in a bag, go to scan the ne- REMOVE ITEM FROM THE AREA.  God damn it, just let me scan and pay, you glitchy stupid motherfucker computer.

Finally, after getting your stuff and leaving the store, you get to walk back to your car.  You go down the row… or maybe it was the next one over?  Whatever, fuck it.  Of course, good luck getting to the car.  Pulling will inevitably start pulling out, without looking of course, and since they pull out at half a mile per hour, going straight back instead of turning, you’ll be waiting for a while.  Maybe we wouldn’t have to deal with this if your dad pulled out earlier, you stupid fuckers.